Having just read actress Sofia Hayat's moving story in 'The Daily Mail' (3 September 2009) about how she was disowned by her Muslim family for supposedly bringing disrepute to their family name, it occurred to me that our Asian moral compass is totally awry. What honour is there in murdering your own child in so-called "honour killings"? What honour is there is in disowning your children if they are homosexual? What honour is there in shunning your children or siblings for "marrying out", taking drugs or dropping out of school? What honour is there in depriving a child of a parent after the breakdown of a marriage? Honour, what is our code for 'Honour'? In Sofia's harrowing case; she was regularly beaten by her bullying father, her mother once hired a hitman to kill her and Sofia's brother aided in her kidnap and imprisonment, all because she wanted to lead a Western life and become an actress. Perhaps the best thing that happened to her was being disowned. All this happened in modern-day England with the full knowledge of siblings, family and friends.
Honour is a not a religious issue
Sofia states that, in her case, she feels her parents had distorted the teachings of Islam even though the she believes that the Muslim religion is about peace. Indeed, let's be clear about this. 'Honour' is not about religion - it is about culture. The majority of Muslims abhor the whole issue of 'honour' and 'izzat' and condemn the ghettoisation of the topic into their back yard. I can understand that. However, our sense of maintaining 'honour' leaves us distrustful of the police and many crimes go unreported.
"From now on you are dead to us"
The concept of 'honour', or respectability if you prefer, spills over into other religious groups however much we may wish to deny it. I personally know many women from the Hindu, Sikh, Jain, Buddhist and Christian religious groups who have heard the words "from now on you are dead to us" or worse, simply for being too Westernised.
Sufficient wealth can trump any card
Indeed, in the Hindu community, as our traditional hierarchies breakdown with creeping westernisation of our ideals, we seem to have developed an entirely new classification system. Caste sits at the top, wealth comes next although sufficient wealth can trump the caste card or any card for that matter; this is followed by class, then there is the perfect marriage with 2.4 children, followed by those with a decent profession but less-than-perfect marriage or no children, this is followed by the elderly, followed by the perennial bachelors, followed by those in a mixed-race marriage, the divorced men, then the widows, then the female divorcees, then the female singletons, finally followed by the jobless, dope-heads and no-hopers. You'll note that homosexual and lesbians do not make it onto this list, although sufficient wealth can ensure that 'it' is never referred to in association with your name.
Notice too that paedophiles, wife-beaters, bullies, drunks and philanderers are not even mentioned. Provided you can fit into one of the other categories, these are sins unlikely to tarnish your 'honour' (or respectability).Jailbirds get probation
Jailbirds get probation. If your crime was a "white collar" crime such as fraud or poor business practices, that's OK - the stain will wash off from your 'honour'. Murder is a little bit tricky, although if you murdered your partner there is considerable notoriety to this "crime of passion". Crimes such as polygamy barely get a mention whereas heinous acts of violence or terrorism are glamourised with phrases like "one man's terrorist is another's freedom fighter". In short, being a convicted felon is no barrier to your position in Asian society.
Why the search for 'honour' anyway?
Why the search for 'honour' or respectability anyway? It is true that our parents and grandparents' generations emigrated to the West hoping to take advantage of the economic benefits with none of the cultural drawbacks seeping through the cracks into their culture. Indeed, the past fifty years' worth of stories have proved a rich seam for all diaspora authors, from Jhumpa Lahiri to Monica Ali. What saddens me is that we seem to be stuck in Ayub Khan Din's 'East is East' tale of the 1970s in the year 2009. Our moral values seem to have advanced very little.
This has happened because we have been living in a time warp, a cultural bubble where Western philosophies like freedom of choice have been demonised and our knowledge of evolving Eastern philosophies has remained static. I think the time has come for our religious and cultural leaders to draw up a new 'Honour' guide for our lives. Enough of the turgid teachings of piety, abstinence and sin, what we need is modern-day teachings of how to live our lives in peace and harmony, at one with our community, other communities and nature. Now, that would be an honour code worth sticking to.
Click here to read Sofia Hayat's story in The Daily Mail (03/09/2009).
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