A few days ago I posted a tweet about how back-seat cooking was leading to food rage in my house and was swamped by a number of DMs claiming the same! I refer to ‘back-seat’ cooking as the art of a non-cook conferring advice on the one doing the actual cooking. If you inferred anything else….well, this isn’t that kind of post.
I am amazed by the number of men, particularly the Asian pot-bellied kind, who share insider cooking tips with their mates over a pint of whisky or two. So to really make these bizarre ‘Smith-n-Jones’ conversations truly edifying, I thought I’d compile a few easy curry cooking lessons for back-seat cooks. No experience is required to master the art of back-seat cooking and no skills either. Just start talking “off the top of your head” and neither you nor the listener will be “any the wiser”. Given that you are unlikely to ever have to use these lessons in a practical manner, feel free to add a dash of your own genius to the pot!
Lesson 1: Coriander
Coriander (Cilantro), my dear friends, is a herb. Featuring lovely, soft green petals, you simply chop up a few leaves and garnish your dishes, especially curry, to give them a delicious taste and aroma. Coriander, my Gujarati friends, is not a green vegetable that you make ‘shaak’ (curry) with - chutney, yes, but a ‘shaak’, no. If all you can taste is coriander, then you’ve put too much and forgotten to add the real vegetables.
And no, fenugreek (methi), dill, parsley, mint, basil and lemon grass are not the same as coriander. And no, they don’t look the same either.
Lesson 2: Spinach
Spinach is a great vegetable, packed full of iron you can steam, sauté it, puree, mash or eat it raw if so desired. However, Kale is not the same as spinach and if you go into a Sri Lankan shop and are confronted with a variety of spinach, I suggest you don’t buy any. And don’t ask the shopkeeper either, because a-la-Monty-Python all varieties are called spinach, so you could be in the shop a long time. Indeed the Hindi word for spinach ‘bhaji’ literally means green vegetable.
Lesson 3: Vegetables
I know that it is difficult to go into an Indian vegetable shop and buy the right thing, particularly as the Hinglish product descriptions are about as useful as ‘Exit’ signs in Mandarin. However, persevere. Don’t “bottle it” and buy frozen veg just because it’s got a label. Buying frozen vegetables and then announcing to the cook that you only like fresh is going to leave you with a very bad taste in your mouth.
Lesson 4: Chillies
Eating chillies is almost a sport among certain types of Asian men. There are several variety of chillies; the most common dried variety is red and the most common fresh variety is green. Beware the thin green chilli. I do not recommend that you test the freshness of a chilli by piercing it with your thumbnail – the reason is that 20 seconds later you’ll have forgotten you did that and you’ll be tearful for the rest of the day.
The ‘heat’ factor of chilli is measured on the Scofield index and the hottest chillies are reportedly the ‘Dorset Naga’ or ‘Scotch Bonnet’ varieties. It is true that the chemical capsaicin, which gives the chilli its heat, is considered to have some cancer preventative properties. However, until an authoritative scientific paper on the subject is published, I advise caution. A little chilli goes a long way. If the backs of your eye-balls are perspiring and you feel light-headed and faint, then you’ve probably had too much chilli. And if the top of your head is like a pool of sweaty water, then you’ve definitely had too much chilli.
Lesson 5: Bhindi & Drumsticks
Sounding like a Gurinder Chadha movie title ‘Bhindi & Drumsticks’ deserve an entire lesson of their own, so listen up. Bhindi has several common names including ‘Okra’ and ‘Ladies Fingers’. The humble bhindi is usually no more than 4 inches long and a little hairy (no wait this isn’t that kind of post!).Usually its hairyness is removed by wiping the bhindi with a damp cloth before slicing or chopping it for cooking.
The drumstick, known as Saragwa (Moringa Oleifera), on the other hand, is typically about half a metre long, thin and firm (no I didn’t say hard, this isn’t that kind of post). It has a ridged, leathery outer skin that usually isn’t eaten - most drumsticks are chopped and added to a dhal or curry mix whole. It is the soft flesh on the inside that is sucked out (no this really isn’t that kind of post) leaving the leathery, outer skin to be discarded.
So how anyone can confuse a bhindi with a drumstick defies logic. Study the pictures, feel the vegetables: hairy v non-hairy, soft v firm, smooth v ridged, short v long. Indeed, the only similarity between bhindi and drumsticks are that they are both GREEN!
If you’re still not sure, ask the oldest looking Indian lady in the shop – at least you won’t understand the expletives!
Lesson 6: Dhals (lentils)
Dhals are a very complicated topic and a subject that should be avoided at all costs. Just consider for a moment the basic varieties: chana dhal (split chick peas as opposed to whole chick peas that are commonly referred to as chana), kala chana dhal which is small, black chick peas, moong dhal which comes as whole green dhal, split green dhal and de-skinned yellow dhal, tuvar dhal which is yellow split pigeon peas, masoor dhal which comes as whole red lentils or a pinkish de-skinned split variety, urad dhal which comes as whole black dhal or as de-skinned white dhal and rajma dhal which refers to kidney beans - dhals are a veritable minefield for experienced cooks, never mind back-seat cooks.
However, I will tell you that Tarka Dhal is not really a dhal variety – ‘Tarka’ (Tadka) means a popping oil-based spice garnish added to the dhal. Tarka dhal is typically made of four varieties of dhal, although many restaurants will serve any kind of dhal with a ‘tarka’ (tadka) garnish!
And yes, even though most dhals are cooked in a soupy-stew kind of fashion, dhals can also be used to make fried bhajias (bhajees if you must); chana dhal, urad dhal and rice are soaked and ground together to make the steamed ‘dhokla’ dish, just as urad dhal is used to make the steamed ‘idli’ dish. Chana (chick peas) themselves are used to make ‘Gram’ flour which forms the coating for bhajias (or onion bhajees if you must) and a host of other recipes.
So before you start discussing dhals with a real cook, just ask yourself if you’re ready for ‘Dhal M for Murder’ (sorry, couldn’t resist that one!)
Next week, I will be discussing ‘Fun with Fenugreek’, why fetid asafoetida is used to control flatulence and whether potatoes are a vegetable or a demon-starch golfball sent to make your life miserable. Hope you can join me for more ‘Lessons in Back-Seat Cooking’.
